I don't think he's ever woke up with a paraplegic stripper sitting on his face before.
I'm going to fuck my way out of the friend zone if its the last thing I do
I told the hostess, two bouncers and a manager i was roofied and made them smell my beer. Turns out I just picked up some stupid bitches CHERRY WHEAT beer by mistake. I insisted they replace my lost beer.
just saw sorostitutes streaking near the university president's house. thank you tequila day
We lost our room key and found it in his pocket with 3 pieces of fish.
Wat day did I have sex in my sleep? I just made a Dr appt for Friday and I want to talk to her about it
I think I'd be more bothered by his cross dressing if I wasn't secretly into women..,
So dude comes out in a full body leotard and a wand and announced he's king of the gays. Chicago is a weird but fun place
So tomorrow I have my performance review with my boss who I banged. When I go in should I ask if this review will be rating my sex or work performance?
Good news: you're over the drunk crying life phase. Bad news: now you're handy and violent. You were groping me from behind in front of the guy you like, then you put me in a headlock and swept the leg.
Sex followed by chicken and waffles... Hands down my favorite morning plans. Count me in.
There was a clear and well defined point last night where I could've decided to go home but no now I've woken up with glitter all over my nuts and potentially an std or 2
He’s really fucking cute. Like, I want his penis in my mouth cute.
Why is there a condom in my ukulele?
One of my tenants at my fourplex that I own gave me a massive bag of severely dank pot and a brick of cocaine because she didn't have the cash to pay the rent. She might just be my favorite tenant!
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