my debutante medallion kept hitting his balls when i went down on him
U of I kids don't fist pump to Sweet Caroline. Get me the fuck out of here.
We were hooking up, both of us naked. She starts putting her clothes back on and says, "I have to go to the bathroom." I reply, "No you don't, you're leaving." Without hesitation she looks at me and says, "Yeah."
I wish I could donate my sober boners to my whiskey dick
The bender is in full force. After 2 bloody mary's at breakfast we are now drinking vodka redbull "as a precaution" so we will stay awake for the club tonight.
He sat on a barstool and did the robot for 3 hours - I'm pretty sure he enjoyed himself.
Always thought my first night in jail would consist of fire and a bunny suit.
I'll be honest, not actually surprised to find half a Big Mac box and bits of broken security glass by the sofa.
Please stop using the dehumidifier for your weed.
After your mom took her 12th and fatal tequila shot she proceeded to fall head first into the bonfire... Guess I don't have to fear getting old after all
Febreezed myself at a stop light on the way to the IRS office. Judgmental glare from some old lady in the car next to me, thumbs up from her husband.
I was totally pumped and so was my beard
i just need to find someone who enjoys eating frozen waffles as much as I do. It will be perfect.
You texted him 17 times. Asking for him back and sending random pictures of Jimmy Buffett. He didn't answer.
Will you still call me Bond when I'm sober?
Randomize