Houston.. we have a drinking problem..
I think we should start referring to bisexuals as "strays"
Speaking of school, I've done the math and I get laid about 10 times more often than I did before I got my law degree. $100,000 well spent.
i'm watching the draft and making cookies. how am i still single?
I really want to know why half of my kitchen floor is missing.
He got arrested in front of the church last night. Looks like we need to find a new location for the wedding.
I'm voting my liver organ of the month. The award ceremony is next weekend.
i can recognize that vagina from a mile away
I drove your lawn mower home. Hope you don't need it tonight. I'll bring it over tomorrow.
bah. we'll see. don't give yourself a boner of false hope.
At what point did you realize I was getting blown under the table during our dominos game?
Ladies and gentlemen, the only person I know who would keg stand in pearls and a bow.
I was the oldest, shortest, and soberest at the New Years party last night. My life sucks
There is a french fry attached to my steering wheel and a note that says "eat me yum yum" can you explain this?
Once you start using "cuddles" as a code word for sex you'll never get real cuddles again
Randomize
