So my Christmas cards this year will be my mug shot with my kids face photo shopped next to me....too ghetto?
He finally admitted that he was drunk when I asked him how he got the rug burn on his chin and he replied "the worm contest"
I use him for alcohol and he uses me for sex. This is the closest thing to love i could imagine
I know you claim to have a large penis but I do not believe in what i cannot see. Sort of like god.
Apparently she was filling Miller Lite bottles with water because I refused to be seen drinking water in a bar
Those titties aren't worth a lifetime of listening to her talk about gluten free yams and japanese manga.
I'm pretty sure I lit a prostitute's cigarette while sharing a pizza with a homeless guy last night
I mixed Jack with hot chocolate. This may be the best or worst idea ever. I have yet to find that out
I fucked the midget version of a backstreet boy and I am not mad about it
Its the damn oven. I think it wants to eat me.
Was make out with a 38 year old lesbian on our bucket list? if it was you can go ahead and cross that one off.
I just bought two cartons of ice cream, 5 boxes of mac and cheese and a bridal magazine. Don't judge me.
Just cuz you've got the biggest dick I've ever seen doesn't mean u can wake me up at 2 am
there's fucking coffee grinds packed all inside my pipe. what did i do
I just put together something from IKEA so that’s mandatory oral for a week.
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