so i was pissing and the phone rang but i forgot i was pissing so i just ran to answer the phone. it was too late when i realized
I climb out of my sunroof. I mean its kind of embarrassing but part of me feels awesome and ninja like.
now there's a facebook group for all the people whose lives i've ruined
hot pretzels for dinner, snacks, and now breakfast...oh to be a poor college student...everyday is like a carnival.
i convinced her i was a yoga teacher by showing her some warm-ups my high school track coach made up
It's tuesday, which means cocktails followed by cocktales.
My unemployment came through so I'd like to thank the taxpayers of Utah in advance for my level of intoxication this weekend
somehow I feel like "adventures with cocaine and molly" wouldn't be an appropriate "How I Spent My Spring Break" essay topic.
you made a mix containing mostly whiskey. then you took a sip, gagged and yelled "perfect!"
So I just realized I have three bananas, seven condoms, three lube packets, three tampons, and a shot glass in my bag but no pen #modelstudent
Caprisun cuts tequila surprisingly well...
I want to die, ON THAT, with that INSIDE ME. ironically, I sense that would be the only time I'd feel alive.
Why didn't you ever bring me to the pope as a baby so he could kiss me.
Get here now. I need a drinking buddy. I don't care if you're in a different timezone, it'll be five o clock here faster.
Is there a subtle way to tell him he needs to hydrate? 8 years of yoga and kegels. He has no idea what I’m going to do to him this weekend
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