Facebook really needs to add a bikini picture profile tab for girls, it would really save me countless amounts of time!
i'm gonna start putting 34DD under other qualifications on my bartender applications and see if that helps
he had a TATTOO on his FACE. a tattoo on your face basically says "i've gone as far in society as i'd like to."
i just heard her through the wall saying "not on my face! NOT on my face!" then a scream and "I SAID NOT ON MY FACE!!!"...nice work dude.
I tried really hard to get you laid last night. And by that I mean I asked a bunch of dudes if they were top or bottom.
We were eating hotdog buns dipped in French onion dip in lawn chairs at 4am. That drunk
Survival tip #3: while you're hooking up with him, don't say he reminds you of his brother
Friend date it is then. Question: Can friends engage in sexual activities after dates?
I fucking give up. OKC is where small penises go to disappoint me.
People were drinking out of 26ers with straws, and somewhere someone yelled "fill me with dicks!" I'm home.
I needed that adderall to break my tradition of passing out at the bar on Sundays
next time we make out at a concert please try to refrain from screaming out our hotel room number.. the amount of guys that knocked on our door after you passed out was ridiculous
I can't wait for you to tell me about your sex.
It's a short, short story.
Yeah, I fucked him. and the worst part is his name was Jesus. And nobody said it in Spanish. Just Jesus. There is no way I can avoid burning when I walk into a church from now on.
Pro tip: When you spend the afternoon banging your boss, don’t meet your mother-in-law for dinner if you still smell like cum and watermelon flavored lube
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