He told me i was the nicest person he's ever arrested for DUI
sounds like you fell off the wagon.
fuck falling off. at this point, the wagon is a dot on the horizon.
She was stumbling around looking for her cat. She said i could help, but i had to call him by his jungle name
She has an emergency bra in her purse. I'm gonna check no on the 'introducing her to my new boyfriend' box.
You were fucking on a porch at a party, not much privacy should be expected
Beer Popsicles are better in theory
I found a fingernail in my vagina. A fingernail.
It's disgusting. He breathes through his mouth and just sounds fat. Plus he chews all loud and shit.
i've now hooked up with two guys who have tattoos of their sister's names...so that's a reality i have to live with...
just passed the gas station where we took pregnancy tests. memories.
i said cake fell into my bra, you stood up and yelled "Im coming soldier", leaped acrossed the couch and started motorboating my boobs. i would have been cool with it if your mom didnt keep calling me the "lesbiainizer"
I walked outside and found some random guy passed out on our front porch. We managed to acquire the 12 pack of lagers he had so it's all good.
He's finally divorcing her, so naturally he tells me that we're not exclusive anymore. His penis 'wants what it wants' apparently.
Yup we found her. The bouncer was carrying her out
I am way to hungover for it to be Thursday.
Randomize
