i just made an omelette with the cheese and ham from a lunchables. and ketchup packets
julia child would be proud.
Bottle rocket just missed my head by about 3 inches. Of course I'm being safe
Last night the nurse at the ER told me that she wished all her drunk patients were like me. Then she commented on my socks...
You texted me "Americans are sad" and "chicken coop disaster" without any further explanation.
Fell asleep on the Grass at Lolla woke up in the Brown line. What. The. Fuck.
I'm pretty sure we organized our beer pong teams according to who's been circumsized...
My chiropractor just high fived me for getting drunk enough to throw my back out this weekend.. Life. Complete.
I legit had a 15 minute convo about dinosaurs with a guy at the bar last night cuz he was wearing a jurassic park shirt
Going to the bathroom drunk while wearing overalls is such a struggle
I'm going to avoid eye contact because my old high school English teacher is not who I feel like seeing after I just had a dick in my mouth
I can't sleep. My mind keeps asking "turn down for what?" but it won't accept any of my answers.
I have aggressive nipples.
I told him no rough stuff and he immediately bit my ass. Who the fuck does that?
He wants me to fart in his mouth and is offering me SOOOO much coke. I'm stuck between a rock and a hard place. GIVE ME ADVICE.
He cut off part of his middle finger playing the knife game while singing The Knife Game Song at the top of his lungs. He also scream like a girl when his finger hit the floor and he realized he fucked up.
Randomize
