Tell her she can't have a vagina
is it bad if i hope guys are like edward cullen and can read my mind. i could be a whore in disguise.
I think dad's getting high again. His last google search was "awesome ping pong shit."
all they had in the fridge was rum and filled water balloons
Her little brother walked in right as I was finishing and was like "uhhh hey there's a lunar eclipse outside"
I cleared a drunken path to my bed for you. If you hit clothes you've gone too far.
I told him if he went to see magic mike with me I'd cover his eyes during the penis parts
I told you in the isle if you get the one that vibrates that I masturbating with it. Your fault.
Bullshit. You owe me a toothbrush.
this st patricks day sucks
ill send jameson via bank tube 150+ miles
There was this blissful moment of peace and quiet... then you ran past our window with a lit firecracker in hand going, "SHIT. SHIT. SHIT!"
But did u die
I found an onion in my purse
Got home & pissed on my moms carpet like a bear in the woods. I woke up to a picture message with me passed out on the floor with my pants down & hands covering my face. I've had an awkward week
I don't really care where everyone ended up, but is everyone alive and not in jail?
Not in jail
Alive?
I was sitting down, taking a piss with a boner, her cat walked into the bathroom and walked up to my legs, I sneezed and pissed all over her cat through between the toilet seat and bowl, it ran off screeching. She thought I peed on her cat on purpose. Kicked me out
Now all my porn is stored in my parents’ basement. It’s like a part of my soul is boxed up
Randomize
