some guy just walked up to the bench i was on, backflipped off of it, gave me his number and walked away....i love this city
The toilet started ringing, I think I just found your phone.
No no, there's drunk and then there's 'spooning with lawn gnomes' drunk.
Should I tell them about my ticket for possession or about how I'm shitting blood? Which one will gain the most sympathy?
you were yelling that somebody needed to take your bra off with such enthusiasm my first thought was that you were on fire.
Taking my underwear off at work was one of my better decisions this weekend
Sometimes I feel like I should become a beautician purely for my ability to shave pretty shapes into my pubic hair.
Yeah, but he has adorable dimples and dimples talk me into things.
He's really cute...He stopped talking to me because i pulled my skirt up and peed in a demi plie position...
MY TITS JUST CAUSED A CAR ACCIDENT ON THE HIGHWAY! i kid you not!! i thinl the giy is actually dead
i swear a herd of elephants who like to smoke weed lives directly above our room
I know you're here! I can hear your phoneeeee. Wake up and do illegal things with me.
hey can you come unlock the basement door? I'm trapped in here.
no I can't, you're a safety hazard. but, there's a beer keg down there somewhere. we don't have cups, but help yourself.
wait you like me?? for my personality??
I know I was surprised too
She's chasing the cat around the house hitting it with a cardboard sword yelling "there can be only one!"
Randomize
