here I sit at Southern Illinois' finest pubs and I thought I heard your laugh. I was sadly astonished to turn and find a midget cracking herself up reading the label on her can of chewing tobacco...
i think i would be more confident if i were chinese.
just had to re-breakup with her. it was like shooting a dead horse that was crying and talking.
Found a guy passed out on the coffee table with a thong duct taped from ear to ear.
Memorial weekend is going to be amazeballs. Jungle juice, drunk guys, and my vagina being stimulated by the vibrations of a 4 wheeler. I mean there is no way that can go wrong.
In case you're keeping score at home, this is Brad's SECOND Doritos-related trip to the ER.
Good news! I don't have Hep C! Better news! I still hate you!
This drunk girl wants you to know that I do actually like you. I'm not just using you for sex. I think you're cool.
I need to establish a pattern of dominance early.... I'm like a slutty Cesar Milan
Real reason I can't work: it's Tuesday. I get stoned and watch buck Rodgers in Tuesday.
Jesus Christ you're perfect.
As the cops are taking us away I see the strippers taking our DD backstage.
Ok, in complete transparency, I am eating a cookie on my bed naked while reading a Halo novel.
Welp just ran into my high school history teacher while buying a pregnancy test...there goes my veil of innocence in this town.
This is why you arnt allowed in pet stores
yeah i wanted to show him what i was missing, so i decided to send him a seductive picture, like the ones where the girls are eating strawberries and whipped cream. well i didn't have those, so i sent him a picture of myself naked eating a bagel
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