Your face is a jimmy john
So I said to her: one time i broke my dick and when they took off the cast i could cum across a baseball field
So I have to ask... did I meet your lumberjack expectations? I mean, minus the red flannel and all.
and then he said that the only reasonable explanation as to why I got swine flu was because all I ever do is join the bandwagon
i decided not to call her again when she started singing "goodbye my lover" as i was walking out the door..
you have to be so drunk to ignore a taser
I tried douching with a turkey baster. Not the brightest idea.
No. Mother. Fucking. Jello shots. Just no. I'm not falling into that trap again.
Somewhere between the 30 minutes of cunnilingus, the improvised song about the Olympics, and the super thoughtful shower beer... I knew I married the right guy
i’m not very adjusted to having free time. for example, I forgot how much fun it is to masturbate.
Thanks for fucking me in last night
TUCKING. TUCKING ME IN LAST NIGHT
I just swallowed some ecstasy stuck in my nose from last night. Work should be interesting.
You threw a handful of caps into a pitcher of Heineken and asked everyone if they wanted to go "bobbing for molly"
WHO GIVES HANDJOBS AT 8 IN THE FUCKING MORNING
I wanna borrow his axe at this point and cut my head open just to relieve some pressure
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