Note left in log book: "4:30am a guy was caught masturbating in the bathroom and passed out in his own juices and we had to take the door off the hinges."
You guys are open that late?
He snuck into some random hotel's continental breakfast at 3 AM and then passed out on a bench in the lobby. When the cops found him they made him empty out his pockets. No phone, no ID just muffins.
Some kid just walked into class with his schedlue written on a keystone box.
I think, at this point, getting pissed and declaring my love via reality TV would be an improvement
I figure that my generation of my family needs an alcoholic. I'll take that burden.
I just bought 7 working mopeds off a guy for $300. We are 60% of the way to our gay biker gang dream.
Hey texans ride hard. He should have known what he was in for when I asked to sit on his face. The broken nose was a BADGE he just earned.
I've had three separate encounters with cops in the last 9 hours.... In two different states
FYI you are now my emergency contact at plan parenthood
I need to stop getting drunk and telling people it isn't "about them."
When she introduced her friend to me I shook his hand and told him not to leave his ugly vest at my apartment in the morning. He took it off and bought me a shot.
My new roommate is awesome. His father owns a bar and his sister has an E cup. I'm going to be with him forever
my ex logged me out of his netflix so im gonna fuck his bestfriend as revenge
She just kept feeding people pretzels and sayying "You're such a good goldfish."
I apparently ooze single. The second I left his house after break up sex five of my old booty calls text me
Randomize