thank god he doesn't hang out with everyone else i've had sex with
well, yeah, he can't fit the whole neighborhood in his apartment
There's something fitting about a hot in-car interracial makeout to the tune of 'healing the world.' RIP Mike.
I cannot remember December 31 for the past 3 years. it might as well not even exist on my calendar anymore
the only thing i can think of after seeing avatar is "when are they gonna make avatar porn?"
He told me the color of his piss. Worst. First date. Ever.
I passed out with my wizard stick taped to my hands and got woken up being poked with a St. Bernard
I just want to let it be known that I almost put my phone in the fridge.
I don't know what's worse the the fact he has worn a protective cup for last 3 years in fear of being kicked in the balls. Or the fact that the one day he decides to throw caution to the wind and doesn't wear it and actually gets kicked in the balls.
Who in tha hell do u hang out with?
Feels like someone put a cigar out where my butthole used to live
ALso, saw an adorable man walking an adorable dog with his adorable kid.
And yes, that last sentence is biased because my ovaries started screaming
Dude, my ex girlfriend showed up, bought me a tequila shot, made out with me and then disappeared into the night. Then her current girlfriend saw, so she came over and slapped me and then I made out with her too
This was before halftime
I RUINED A LESBIAN RELATIONSHIP BEFORE HALFTIME
You showed up at my front door in a bikini with a fifth of tequila it was like the opening to a porno
I'm so horny right now but I JUST put my fuckin lasagna in the oven
There's a little game I've come up with since the mess of a party I had; it's called "tinsel or condom wrapper? (or: what's that on the floor?)"
she filled my toilet with birdseed... i tried flushing it but now it's clogged so she has to come over and fix it because it was her mistake in the first place
Randomize