It started with Hannah Montana and ended with alcoholism.
finally achieved: got laid in the religion section of borders. thought you should know.
I'm returning our mountain of beer cans, while wearing a Budweiser sweatshirt. i don't look like an alcoholic.
we didnt even make it to the club...the two of us were sharing a plastc bag in the taxi puking into it.
He just invited me over to bang on a sunday afternoon. If I can make it top the time I went to a strip club on fathers day then I'll consider it a success.
I said "I am wrapped in the Cocoon Of Comfort! You should go." He started to argue and I yelled "COCOON OF COMFORT!!!" silencing him
Just had hot animal sex with the guy who had been sending me 10 second selfie snapchats for the past month
I'm Michael Phelps, Olympic Champion.
Are you just smoking weed? Cause that's not actually a Michael Phelps costume
It's like Jesus got stoned and this would be the sandwiches he'd make
My dream date: Hotdogs/nachos from the bar & tequila. Is that too much to ask?
He slapped my ass... He best ask me out. Or figure out how to unslap my ass.
Is there such thing as dick sucking teeth guards?
Nothing says happy Monday quite like coffee and oral sex.
Thanks to you I can't show my boobs tomorrow for the interview.
You came in wearing a whipped cream bikini what did you think would happen
I'm literally trying to cool beer down right now in my car by putting it on my floor and blasting cold air on it
Randomize
