you sent me the whole alphabet, one letter a text. it took 15 minutes to read them all
i woke up with a shirt on. the kids in my daycare group had a lot of questions when i took off my shirt at the pool to reveal "property of brittany" written on my chest and an arrow pointing to my dick.
It's not mothers day until you're vomitting syrup into grandma's toilet. Cherish the holidays
Remember that amazing deer? You peed next to that dear..
This could help me cancel out guys. First 4 that text me get to stay in the loop. And the last one gets the boot. We'll do this til there's only one man standing
We made the pizza boy do Jell-o shots with us. He didn't even deliver to our house, we just called him over from the neighbors
Please find an outlet that isn't stripping or getting drunk and arrested
i don't know. but im upstairs in the closet with a burger i found in their fridge
I'm sitting at my desk looking through our payroll system photos to find my next boyfriend. Abuse of power or awesome?
When did our fuck buddy relationship, turn into me babysitting his dog?
Look on the bright side: Now that I'm sleeping with both the exs it's good bye to drunk sexting the 'wrong one'.
Was the guy in the cowboy hat kinda hot or have I just not had sex in a really long time?
He's coming over again? GIRL, you're thoroughly enjoying the month of Dicktember.
I guess you could say the date didn’t go so well since I was drunkenly Snapchatting with my ex by the end of it.
I would climb him like a jungle gym. Enthusiastically and creatively.
Randomize
