My grandmother just called to say she disowned me. Apparently I uploaded a video to Youtube of me dancing nude with a blow-up doll named Dorothy, last night. You are so fired from being damage control.
Masturbating after my cheeseburger. It's unavoidable.
planned parenthood is perfect for picking up chicks...they all put out
He only uses me for sexual pleasure. The sad part is I don't even feel like a slut. I just I feel like I should just live in the top drawer of his nightstand....for free of course.
My boogers are black from last night. So that's either from all the colored hairspray or inhaling all of the tragedy from the party...
The last thing I remember is you asking me how to grow french fries.
I just made doing the dishes into a drinking game. crafty, or pathetic?
You do realize I got a panda tattooed on my ass just to get you laid, right?
You would not believe how incredibly hard it is to climb on top of a three story apartment buildings roof from the air conditioning unit
As far as figuring life out your talking to a guy that's alternating text messages between his baby mama and a drunk bitch I met tailgating. My best advice is don't worry about shit out of your control and always and I really mean ALWAYS wear a condom.
you started looking at my couch laughing and saying to it "she thinks I'm talking to you" then proceeded to laugh and talk to the couch some more.
He's high as balls tripping balls and doing a reenactment of the scene where Buzz jumps off the balcony and can't fly to his soundtrack of Toy Story.
Alls I remember is making out with that chick.
Nope that was a dude
You called me a pussy and continued to eat an entire jar of peanut butter with only your hand.
I'm at the store buying a new phone cause I pissed all over mine last night. Drunk me is expensive as shit.
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