woke up this morning to find the entire staircase covered in marinara sauce, with my roommate practically sobbing and scrubbing the wall with carpet cleaner.
She puked in the bank of America parking lot? Awesome.
Yeah, figured I'd deposit my check while we were there.
He's stoned as shit, eating breakfast cereal and taking a dump. All while listening to dubstep. We may never understand him.
Its gonna be a symphony of fucks
I'm the fucking queen of sexting. I just made a blowjob sound so poetic I'm wishing I were a guy just so I could blow me. Learn from me.
she said she walked into the kitchen and i was sitting ass naked on the floor chugging her parents vodka.
Want to come over and rub aloe on my tits?
He came over and said its legs day so put them in the air! Fucked me for 30 minutes and said he had dinner reservations to go to. Well i just ran into him and his friends hammered at Taco Bell
classified somewhere between kinky and medically inadvisable
You must have my penis confused with someone else's...which is disappointing
My mom just told me not to dance on any tables on Halloween...I'm choosing to take that statement as a joke
I thought I'd never say this, but if I had to choose between these cookies and sex, it would be these cookies
How do u ask ur friend if shes keeping her kid but in a chill way
Haha. I found pics last week of me getting motorboated by a girl while i was taking a shot. Hahaha in my wedding dress. Classy
and that's when you shouted "ahh motherland" as you streaked down hall 4B
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