WIFE SWAP. FAMILY OF MIDGETS. LIFETIME. NOW.
it wasn't THAT bad but he definitely called his dick an asshole and said sorry to my vagina
She just sat there, all alone, with a bottle of booze. And the dog. He even looked like he didn't wanna be there with her.
Tequila bombs in champagne seemed like a good idea at the time.
I smell like I just crawled out of a bottle of champagne and landed on the floor of taco bueno.
I think shooting the BMW with the bow and arrow is when our group became the evening's antagonist
I just used a VHS tape as a plate for sanwich
I just bought emergency deodorant at Dominick's and put it on in front of a homeless man while waiting for the bus. He laughed and said 'girl, you a mess'. This is my life.
I told the person I was on the phone with to hold on while I looked for my phone. I think it's time to stop doing dabs.
Would I be a horrible mom if I got a babysitter at 6am so I could go get laid.
It might look like I curled my hair last night but it's just the jiz.
You have the most beautiful penis I've ever seen. I never thought penises were meant to be beautiful, but you proved me wrong
Taking out my recycling and 90% of it is alcohol and cat food. I am judging myself.
he's annoying when i'm sober but vaguely hot when i'm drunk so yes i do have a preference and it goes by the name of vodka
dont know what thebfuxk is in rhat shit, but dont lemme have antmore
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