Dude this girl just said she'd take me to pleasure town while giving me head
Will Ferrell is probably jerking himself off somewhere wishing he was you
She called it mighty mouse.. And from there it was down hill
Tostitos Scoops as shot glasses. Eat for chaser.
you know it's the perfect hook up when you don't have any friends in common with his girlfriend on facebook.
I was trying to make tacos and friends but there was a major language barrier.
I woke up to him drunk-t-bagging me, saying "huevos rancheros" were being served for breakfast.
sorry can't make it tonight, greg's getting back from italy. he's had two weeks of carbs and no gym; now's my chance to get myself a piece of that newly-fat, low self-esteemed ass.
She asked me to head butt her and after half a bottle of whiskey that seemed reasonable.
His fucking was so lame I considered painting my nails during...
being pregnant is like rehab
I am seriously thinking about wearing a blanket as a cape. So when I pass out tonight the blanket might keep me warm.
Ted is on HBO in 20 minutes...not sure if this or the drunken dance party I had at the bar to a N*SYNC Christmas song 20 minutes ago is the highlight of my week so far.
Current status: Finding an unwrapped portion of Subway sandwich in my purse at the pharmacy counter & picking pieces of tomato off my wallet while the pharmacist watches disdainfully.
Did you offer her some?
If only. Current status: Not that clever.
"Fuck all you guys I'm going to be Cameltoe Spider-Man for Halloween."
I had to try on three different bathing suits to hide my boob hickies
Randomize
