Having a random hookup so left but love u
Nothing says "You're all grown up now" like setting up your 401k with shitty underwear.
Swear. I think after passing out in a community college parking lot I can safely nominate myself for the piece of shit of the year award
What hospital were we in last night? Insurance needs to know
He paid me to blow him while doing a handstand. Does that make me a whore or just a budding gymnast?
I just got peed on. This karma circle is starting to get vicious.
Good afternoon everyone! Just texting to inform you that Andrew, your emotionally detached man-whore, will be back starting this weekend. Please RSVP.
I told you in the isle if you get the one that vibrates that I masturbating with it. Your fault.
Bullshit. You owe me a toothbrush.
Don't know why you're always hating on relationships. I've had chocolate pancakes accompanied by a blowjob and a blunt and it's not even 9 am. Time for mid morning shower sex. Enjoy your morning bong bowl alone asshole
Hey, so, you were my "one phone call" last night... Thanks for not picking up. See, this is why I never call you.
Ask her if it hurt when she broke through earths crust as she ascended from hell
I mean of all the things to be cockblocked by, Taco Bell is pretty high on the list
I found an industrial strength sharpie in the drawer so I started writing BONER JAM 2014 on everyone's foreheads so they kicked me out
PS I almost downloaded grindr to see if any guys wanted to buy me chinese food..
they call themselves the foursome.. thats def means they're up for one right?
Randomize
