he needs to stop telling all his friends what my queefs sound like. its getting awkward to be around people who can quote my vagina.
At what point in time did you think it was ok to jizz in my hair while I slept??
Around the time you told me my brothers dick was bigger.
oh good. ive just found out that i went downstairs at 6 am still blacked out and had a 30 minute conversation with my mom about the different ways to feed our dog
We have a drunken confused pantless man in our apt. Boots.
He started crying and showing me pictures of his ex. she was really pretty. It's an honor to have shared a penis with her.
Sorry but i am wayy to hungover to take mom to her AA meeting.
Wont she be proud, Hailey.
I found a lucrative side business - giving rides home to drunk oil executives. Very profitable.
I just puked behind a tree outside work, then walked past my manager with puke in my hair. Man, I'm gonna miss this when I get a real job.
My family will be here in an hour and I'm deciding between doing my makeup or saying fuck it and wearing what's left of last night's...
I think I reached some stage of aging, have a sore/injured shoulder from sex, next up carpal tunnel from sexting.
Vegas is great, yelled at a guy 4 lanes over if he wanted a bj. ended up having sex in a vacant lot. I think he was homeless.
I was just hotboxing under my sheets and I got lost on the way out.
It was so scary.
Sorry I yelled at you and called you Amish and puked on your eggs
Just made a drug contact standing in the sandwich line in the dining hall. Is this real life?
You're my fucking hero.
I love when Facebook suggests people I may know. Well, yeah, I know him. He's my drug dealer. Pretty sure I want to keep that relationship strictly professional.
Randomize
