We can't have sex anymore. The amount of money I've spent on meds and copays for UTIs is getting ridiculous
apparently 20 random guys watched the process of me being carried on a mattress through the dorms
So then she just shoved applesauces in her pocket and started talking about she needed to find her friends.
you didn't get her number why?
omg dinner turned into a foam party this is weiriiid
Well no need to be a stranger, even if you aren't interested in joining my bisexual polygamist marriage. New city, new friends.
I'm walking home wearing Kermit the frog footie pajamas, carrying a monogrammed shot glass set with my name on it. It's fucking Christmas!
I think my greatest accomplishment today was probably using a bottle opener to get the cap off my fourth drink while holding the cat WITHOUT dropping him.
Oh god, what has my life become?
I fucking love your mom. She's so drunk and fully functional. I aspire to be her one day.
I've found myself wondering why I WASN'T naked before, but I generally always know why I am naked. Except now. WHY THE FUCK ARE WE ALL NAKED
In other news my pubic hair is covered in glitter.
I figured you were on something. You're way too happy right now to be sober
He suffocated between her tits, but she didn't notice because he still came.
The lady at the front desk wished you a happy hangover.
I was totally going to fuck him and then his friend walked in brushing his teeth, whipped down his pants and started doing the windmill. Ultimate cock block
Slept on the bathroom floor again. I hope when I turn 28 I’ll stop doing that
Randomize
