did you get my message about your dog?
no... is he ok?
no, i didn't see him when i was being chased out of your house. check your drive way :( sry
During sex he started singing that song in Forgetting Sarah Marshall--"Inside of You"--by Russell Brand
We saw some woman wearing leather pants. It was weird. We have decided to follow her on her travels to see where people go in leather pants in Michigan.
my dad's beating me at drinking again. No matter what i do I can't win.
just went back to the bar and asked if they found a shoe last night.
The cab driver doesn't know where we can find an empire state building shaped dildo either!? What is wrong with NYC!?
Passing out is just my bodies way of protecting my liver.
theres a note on the fridge that says "guess what i peed in" and a half-full bottle of apple juice front and center. why did you let him in the house?
You insisted we help some homeless guy put up posters for his missing pet alligator so we left you there because they were really just Chinese takeout menus.
I fingered myself to realization that I don't need birth control if there is never a guy.
if there is one thing you splurge on it better be nice condoms
The guy that stalks me just looked out his window and saw me in his neighbor's hot tub. Get your shit ready the fraternity wars are starting.
only i would get off to receiving death threats online
You think your roommate is bad? The guy they paired me with is such a nerd, his very presence at a party blocks every cock in the room.
Just waxed 95% of the hair off my vag. If he doesn't enjoy this tonight, you will, whether you like it or not.
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