in the event that i am dead, my body is laying in the intersection of ... the pearl in springfield. it was my friend's 21st but i think i'm dead. wearing a black top. like i said, probably dead.
what if every blade of grass was a penis?
I realized that I earned the name Classy cassie as i was throwing up vodka slushie in my bed with a guy I know by the name extacy boy
Just walked into McDonald's and a bunch of fat girls gave me a look like I just entered their territory.
I barely remember the girls that I got pregnant, you think I'm gunna remember the ones that played handball
So his mom walked in the kitchen while I was sucking him off and just casually suggested that "I'd need a glass of water after that"
My crowning drunk achievement from that night was donating $5 to the Obama campaign.
You're perfect
I convinced every single one of my cousins to bring me a glass of wine. I was the alcoholic queen and they were my subjects.
I need rollerblades now
Rollerblades pick up bitches
Better safe and shitfaced than hungover and in need of another surgery.
I just realized that every possible way I walk to campus I walk by the house of someone I slept with
Where does drinking Flat, warm beer from two days ago rank of the No Fucks Given scale?
Is there a reason drunk me put drunk you's phone in the freezer?
I absolutely love waking up to see my phone search history is "xj" "qj" "cj" "uj" and "kj"
Standing straight up with intensity he came in his own mouth. I know this because he showed me the video from five different angles when asked if I would like him to demonstrate. And I did.
Randomize
