i just heard the ice cream truck outside while mid-masturbation. i stopped and considered running outside to buy one.
I woke with a ring of glitter around my dick.... I kinda don't want to wash it off
I go to guys houses late at night, have a little fun, come back by dawn having made their life a little bit better. I am the official blow job fairy.
I woke up this morning and saw that I had transferred $0.75 from my savings account to my checking account.
Well, we missed our public lewdness court date. Looks like were going to jail in Alabama ...
btw he is cheating on one twin with the other. the main woman in his life has a mullet. I defiantly have either the coolest or weirdest uncle ever
Escaped ambulance. Meet me at your apartment.
You can come over, sure. But I'll be watching college hockey during the blow job.
figured you should hear this from me. Your refrigerator door is way broken. I opened it last night when i was drunk and tried to climb the shelves. i got to the one with the mustard.
Sorry I pissed in your dining room and kicked your best friend in the face while he was passed out.
Me ending up in the fetal position in my shower is becoming far too commonplace. It's like a weekly therapy session
im in the library and there's this guy on a computer just staring at a google image of beer. finals week is rough.
Sadly, she's the porn star that got away
I CLEANED MY BATHROOM FOR YOU!! betrayal
She’s the kind of asshole whose face I want to put on a T-shirt just so I can go outside and burn it.
Randomize
