id tell you what to do, but my morals dont exactly scream, "Listen to this guy!"
Freshman orientation day on campus. Dear diary, JACKPOT.
You know why I moved here? No public intoxication law. A cop just helped me from my bent over vomit pose, asked if I was ok, and gave me a ride home.
You yelled "sharpie war!" then jammed it in her ear
I really need to get laid. I'm telling at least 10 girls that I love them tonight.
Odds are at least 1 out of those 10 girls will be as crazy as you and will be into it.
I will not fuck this loser. I will not fuck this loser. I will not fuck this loser.
You know it is an interesting night when the 911 operator calls you
Dude she let me install handle bars on her headboard. I should have nailed my boss years ago.
Um yeah. I just puked. And found your contact.
max decided it would be a good idea to run down the hall and smack down the exit sign. now we are sitting in the emergency room, and he is wearing the sign as a bracelet
Just got a message from a drag queen on okcupid. I cant even catfish successfully.
I lost my favorite bra in his hotel room. Is it bad that that's the only reason I hope he texts me tomorrow?
I'm at the nutcracker high as shit. It's so beautiful. I cried.
So, I never imagined myself puking on the side of the road at 10:30 this morning to Lynyrd Skynyrd but here I am.
We had sex in Lake Michigan for an hour Sunday.
Thanks for ruining an entire lake for me. I hate you so much right now.
Randomize
