We got so high we made milksteak
I just sneezed cum. He better have a damn good day at work.
Wedding update: no alcohol, 75% of people have left, no one is dancing, no single groomsmen, and it's 5:30. I'm going the fuck home to drink by myself.
She's an ex-convict. She actually got stabbed in the face with a pen while in prison. No big deal.
I found my phone outside under the leaves by the curb. What the fuck did I do last night
Would it be tacky of me to tell the two girls I just found out he's been sleeping with on the side that I've been having gay sex with him all semester?
No you usually just ranted about the voicemail bitch until she cut you off again
My brother just text me asking if I was ready for the blowjob of my life.
Well I either feel like the fat girl or very accomplished because his bed is now broken in three places
He's like a unicorn and I just wanna domesticate him
Double check your contract and see if it says anything about sleeping with your manager
Tonight I'm getting fucked up for America because Lord knows we need it.
I have to sleep with him. We're too much alike. It's like clash of the titans, except instead of clashing, he's putting it in me.
Like I’ve seen him completely trashed and I’ve also seen him rip shirtsleeves off with his teeth and I can’t tell if I’m intrigued or not
WAIT this kid is eating yogurt with a fucking ladle. what is happening?
Randomize
