Thanks to blow jobs, my margarita's at the bar are only 3dollars.
His facebook profile says he's interested in men, but i'm choosing to ignore that
I bought a fake diamond ring to wear, not only to bars to keep the creeps away, but so that I'll be judged less by the front desk girl at Planned Parenthood
a girl just walked by me crying on the phone saying, "all I ever do is menstruate"
This is a mass text: my birthday is tomorrow, and I want a full day of birthday sex. Send me your availabities. Time slots begin at noon
Balls are wasted. Waste are ballsted. Ballsd wasted
The assistant vp has a bottle of wine on his desk & I have a feeling my boobs will be making an appearance today.
Hey history final, how's it feel to be raped in the ass by my steel cock of ACADEMIC PERFECTION?
you are way too vulgar to be a girl
Taco Bell. She just parked, got out of the car mid drive-thru, ran to the dumpsters, pissed, then ran back and drove up in the line.
How was the picnic?
We played softball, except our team sucked. In one hand was a mitt, the other a beer.
Why didn't you put them down?
No beer left behind.
We had sex on a dog bed..
I was full on naked standing in his room and I just said "this isn't me" and left.
I had to carry him up the hill while he was wearing nothing but knee high socks and a blue glitter sequin leotard.
Why is this not a picture message?
We're sitting on the kitchen floor drinking and talking about mounting real light sabers to the dog's head.
First night in my new place, I had to get drunk to get used to the idea of shitting in a new toilet
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