I didn't think it was possible for the human body to be physically dependant on weed until I moved in with this kid
I keep finding coffee grounds in my vagina
I seriously just washed my dick in a public restroom. That's how dirty last night got
I need to shower. I still have paint on me from the homeless guys
The bouncers kicked us out around 3 so we went to the grocery store flasks in hand and asked them to turn up their music...
You called your ex's vag an "AIDS Pinata". Drunk You is the Hulk Hogan of insults.
Some people dream of being astronauts others dream of having genitalia that shines like Edward Cullen in the sun
Fool me once shame on you. Fool me twice and I'm the idiot missing half an eyebrow again.
You forgot the part where I played Slip and Slide with my own puke and fucked up my knee.
Reason # 294827284949272 i could never be a cop. I would just shoot. All the time. Ppl. Animals. Inanimate objects. Air.
These muscle relaxers obviously don't work because I'm harder than a fucking diamond.
Fall is here I will miss walking downtown in nothing but paint and pasties
I want to respect them as people, but really I just want to have sex with them.
Typical. We're ready to go, and you're not wearing pants.
Lessons learned from last night: do not leave me drunk and alone with strippers and a credit card. Let's do whatever's cheaper.
Randomize
