did not feel like going to store to get condoms last night so went to her pantry and got a sandwich bag and a rubberband
did it work?
nope
ps i may or may not be wearing a sequined bra
Stripper fight on main stage. It just happened. And it was glorious.
I think I'm drunk. That wine was old. I found it behind the water heater next to the mouse poison.
I can't feel my brain.
Want to get naked in Baltimore this weekend?
Hes a nice guy and all but I'm only interested in his drunken alter ego.
Thanks for the Beyonce article. In other news, I just passed a man with the state of Florida tattooed on his face.
Dude, i just watched a drag queen dropkick a motherfucker. this is a good night.
I walked out and he was covered in jelly, slithering around the floor. I don't know how to process that.
U know this is gone far when im in the bathroom trying to take a pic of my asshole
They are like untrained puppies reaking havoc on a newly furnished house. Out of control.
You just compared our vaginas to a newly furnished house...I can dig it.
I'm wearing a sports bra. Of course I'm not getting laid tonight.
there must be tiny pirates in the freezer stealing our rum.
Guess whose grandma smokes weed?
Trying to figure out these fractions. I bought 5 fifths of gin last week. Does that mean I have one whole gin? 5/5 = 1, right? You're having to homeschool your kids right now--so ask them.
Randomize
