May have just accidentally purchased an iphone on Kate's credit card. This has potential to be bad.
When you only buy popcorn and condoms at the grocery store they know whats up.
Do you have any idea why the dryer isn't working?
Because you touch yourself at night.
In a bar in glasgow talking to a 12 year old about life. Welcome to Kentucky.
Found my little brother jerking off with a condom. he said he was "practicing"
OMG its one we used last night
For looking exactly like her, she tasted less like her sister than I would've thought
Wtf just happened. Thought you were in my bed since 3am, turned out I was sharing it w/a drunk girl from the 6th floor lounge...
Shots. Renamed a guy (he looked like a Scott to me), running, bloody Marys, walk to Safeway, donuts, ride home from someones husband, Nurse Jackie. FIN.
I blame it on the rum. It keeps jumpng doqn my throst.
Something about being drunk at 1pm chasing seagulls on the beach while it's raining is very calming
I'm so glad you support me having casual sex with your uncle
Why is everyone judging me for telling the cat a bedtime story?
You were pretty conviced that my dog was a spanish child and kept trying to read him the news from your iphone app
I just passed a lady driving with a cat in a sweater sitting on her lap with its paws on the steering wheel
Only you....
Decided to stay sober a couple days, learned how exceptionally stupid my coworkers are. Might have to quit now. Moral of the story:be careful where you go sober.
Randomize
