i'm saving my butt for my wedding night
he told me I talked like a deaf person
I got to watch him fuck me from behind in the reflection of an ornament. so glad I decorated.
Its really not funny anymore. I need to stop shaving while i'm drunk
Def drinking wine from a 4 liter jug at 11 am. If i call you in 20 years talking about 12 steps, please trace is back to this moment.
My grandpa is giving me detailed instructions on how to fight a second floor bedroom fire from a ladder on the out side. Just in case
I was out with the drag queens until 7am. This is the hangover I needed to kick my ass back to sobriety. Dear Virgin Mary, fuck my life.
Clearly my hormones are sending beaming lights to every penis in the area
My dad just asked if I could bring snacks to jail this weekend. Like what does he think this is, some type of adult play date?
Well according to all the calls, texts, and Facebook messages, I threw up on you guys last night.
If there's anything else you're planning on stealing from me, please let me know so I can set it on fire
Over 14,000 people at my school and the kid I went home with last night is IN MY FUCKING LECTURE
another side note: i'm officially selling my underwear on the internet
At 3:00am my whole house started smelling like cooking meat. I have no idea why she thought it was a good idea to crock-pot a WHOLE turkey that early in the morning.
I just woke up in his bed.. in a cardboard castle, with a Justin Bieber poster on the ceiling staring down at me, cuddling with 4 empty PBR cans. I win.
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