Holy cold harsh reality of sobriety batman
did i leave my keys in your car? BTW: sorry for throwing that drink on your date.
I knew when her mom came in spraying me with Febreeze telling me I smelled like shame it was going to be a rough day.
By the way seagulls wings are very soft. And the lesbian and or by sexual twins say hello. Be home in the little bit time frame.
I have a calendar reminder for world domination today, you wouldn't happen to know anything about that would you?
I'm gonna make some noodles and go to bed. Hopefully I don't fall into the stove or something.
Mom called her a cunt. I think that's code for "don't bring her over ever again."
Can I use your baby to go shoplifting?
When we were all out of beer you took a bite out of the cardboard beer box and said "close enough."
Did he think I was flirting with him when I ordered a hot dog bc no
I'm up in my room and I just saw a naked guy sprint out into the streets from my mom's party downstairs
im buying my prof a giftcard to the state store bc he talked ab crying into a glass of tequila so he deserves it
He got punched in the face last night? By who? I’ll invite him to our formal. Seriously.
Our relationship is perfect
90% threatening to punch him in the dick 10% actual dickpunching
I told him to not try to hang out with me ever again and now I regret it Bc im bleeding through my uterus and just want him to suck on my aching nipples
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