my drunken desire to be gossip girl continues to ruin friendships for me
i just thanked the atm machine for giving me cash
that's what penises do
they tell lies.
I just saw her take the entire bowl of lime wedges from the bar and pour them all in her purse, and now using the empty bowl as a hat. Waiting for security to come and throw her ass out.
I'm laying in the fetal position on the floor of my kitchen eating potato salad with my fingers. Please come over with some real food and keep me company.
It's ok, I may have just peed outside your car and used your whataburger napkins. Hope you weren't saving them for a special occasion.
We jumped on a random trolley because total strangers offered us free vodka. We're not even on the route map as far as I can tell. I see now how those people died in "Hostel"... we deserve whatever happens to us tonight.
I figured it out. If I have at least 4 shots of vodka before I start my day, EVERY day will be a good day.
He said I could liberate his beef and all I could think about was how I don't eat veal for political reasons.
Add caroling to the list of things we need to do in an elevator
You slid down the wall and got into the fetal position. He was definitely judging... I was judging....
I'm by the tree and the Dora the explorer balloon .. Look for the Dora the explorer balloon
She's eating hot cheetos out of the bag with chopsticks, Matt, how is she NOT my soulmate?
Question: have you ever spent your Tuesday evening helping your one-night-stand create a resume? Because I have...
My ex is stopping by while he’s working tonight after delivering a pizza to fuck me, then going back to work at Pizza Hut. This is what my life has become.
Randomize
