we sang an acapella version of barbara ann to his voicemail...i'm not drinking again until tuesday.
I bet the first cavemant to make fire got so much pussy
It's a line of coke at 10 a.m. kind of Saturday. Don't be a pussy about life.
he said I could live with him because I'm cheaper than a dog and don't need a pet deposit. That and I don't piss on the carpet...
You were wasted and fell in a pond when you met him, it's not like you were on top of your game
Just realized I'm marrying a man that's never gone down on me. What happened to my priorities?
There's a big bag of salt and vinegar chips and a Budweiser for when you wake up. Don't say I never did anything for you.
I was barred out and drunk as fuck locked out at 3am in my Indian costume. It was literally freezing outside. I laid down on the concrete and made a bonfire with dry leaves. Then proceeded to ask.the.bonfire nicely to "please dont go out". Drunk me went strait up survival mode.
It looked like his dick was wearing an argyle sweater.
His grandma held his dogs so they wouldn't follow me out the door. It was like a whole new level added to my walk of shame.
Well he was saying something about being emotionally unavailable since his dad died, but then I blew him in a tree and he shut up
Also, I'm kinda hungover this morning and I need to wire money to my lawyer. So this is what adulthood feels like
Her weave came out on the dance floor. She was twerking and shaking one minute and her hair flew across the dance floor the next. Great way to be introduced to the family
Chasing my kid around a 30' jungle gym was not how I envisioned spending the day off work to recover from a vasectomy.
Riddle me this: why did I wake up next to a stuffed sword fish?
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