Even though he is humpbacked he is really good in bed.
I just saved him in my contacts as "Has 2 kids.. don't drunk text"
tell me why there is a bowl of oatmeal from starbucks in my purse
I'm trying to think of how to explain to the dentist tomorrow that I think I pulled my jaw muscle eating pizza while drunk.
Count me out. I seem to have semen induced blindness in one eye.
This was my thought process as I drunkenly ran home: Whoa! I'm going so FAST! Why don't I run EVERYWHERE! ALL THE TIME! Then I peed in a bush and passed out on the ground.
So basically you were a dog.
I feel like when purchasing hard liquor on a Monday I also need to buy a happy 21st bday card to not seem so pathetic
Walking into the first day of college is like walking into a meat market. A meat market of sex.
We hooked up for a while and on his way out he high fived me and said "stay weird"
Well, let's just say, I got that eye patch like we were joking about
But how MUCH of an emergency? Like, should I go to the ER now, or can it wait until after the bar crawl?
Come camping we have xanax and steaks
Mom is so high she had to turn off the ceiling fan because it was going too fast and it freaked her out.
So my ex just asked for my address to send me his wedding invitation... in Europe. Awesome.
That’s basically a green light to fuck his dad
We just FaceTimed and I put an Oreo in my vagina for him. Now he has to fly across the globe for me.
Randomize
