I fucking hate vegan toaster pastries. You don't fuck with poptarts. It's like baseball...it's the backbone of american sport and you don't change it. Poptarts are the backbone of american fatasses and you don't just go changing them.
I just saw a Puerto Rican child between the ages of 8 and 11 with a faint mustache talking very loudly on the bluetooth in his ear about how "Skittles are played the fuck out"
so i was trying to be sexy and unzip his pants with my teeth. i got my lip caught in the zipper and it bled for a good 15 min, totally a mood killer.
Caught my drug dealer jacking off. I think this is a new step in our relationship
I got concerned once i realized you weren't there to hear us having sex. See I do worry about you.
I am 48% hangover, 48% bruises and 2% fingers I'm texting with.
New brilliant plan: invite two random okcupid girls to the same bar at the same time, have them compete
Just thinking about this summer makes me feel a slight tingle of an orgasm mixed with a twinge of regret as the cold ghostly feeling of multiple hangovers creep into my body.
I'm pretty sure I asked his brother if he was gay while drunkenly falling to the ground.
Apparently it's not a "bonding moment" when you realize you use the same porn site as your boyfriend
do you think eating a burger while having sex counts as multitasking skills?
You texted me the words "butt stuff" 53 times in a four hour period last night.
Just walked past the field playing Jesus music with a fanny pack full of condoms and beer. Happy Sunday.
When you're as high as I am right now brushing your teeth is both magical and fucking terrifying
Just so you know, I choose to answer your bootytext tonight because it was the most creative.
Randomize
