I may be a little high but I'm pretty sure my alphabet soup has only Os in it
We call that spaghetti Os
Why did I wake up with "How to masturbate" on my youtube search bar?
You told us you forgot how, and started to cry.
i just found five singles in my underwear?! im suspicious but delighted none the less
I stayed up for an hour trying to make my room stop spinning and then I realized it was bc my fan was on
I've decided that my new worst fear is that I'll end up on "I Didn't Know I was Pregnant"
My broken door handle makes it really inconvient for when i need to puke at red lights.
Oh they knew you from a bachelorette party! You were the pole?
Ohhh shit yeah that was me. Fuck. I hate myself when I do that.
Right... Let's keep my vodka tinged mind focused on simple words
I'm drinking wine from the cap of my laundry detergent container, wearing my bed sheet as a cape. How do you think I'm taking it?
Fucking someone because they own a lava lamp is like fucking someone because they have 20 dollars and no concern for their house burning down.
Yuck. My throat feels like someone chucked a couple of Maltov cocktails down it and finished it off with a super soaker filled with Jameson.
I decided to start over my porn collection by deleting the old stuff. That was a sad piece of a pie chart...
Crowning achievement. I bought ranch dressing and emergency contraception.
He asked me while we were fishing why the passion was gone when we have sex. It's official...I am the dude in this relationship.
We were like one big happy Eskimo family.
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