I'm currently imdbing Helena Bonham Carter to see if there are any pictures of her that don't scare the crap out of me.
Good luck with that.
You better drive. If I decide to let them talk me into a 3-way, I don't want you to be stranded.
I'm making celebratory pizza rolls. They're a lot like regular pizza rolls, but without the taste of shame.
I just watched a woman in a full wedding dress and veil walk out of the chinese buffet...I no longer believe I have a problem, and am afraid I am underdressed.
Home. Hour long discussion with mom. Very frightened. Eating a sausage. Don't remember making it. Confused.
I'll do a soapy photo shoot for you in the shower. No loofas, though. Once you get one of those caught in your nipple ring, you never go back.
Guess what I signed up for?!?!?!
Please tell me you're not selling your eggs.
Sorry I didn't answer your call last night, I was peeing on the driveway.
I just added a bunch of arbitrary options to my ouija board. Ghosts can now tell me "cheddar," "the homosexual agenda," "the whole foods vegan aisle," or "viable offspring"
Let's go one conversation without mentioning cats or alcohol someday.
I'm not gonna lie. I'm a little scared.
Good. The Jell-O shots look great.
So it's official the pockets of my work apron exist solely for the purpose of secretly flipping off asshole customers and not losing my job.
It's hard not to feel like a terrible person with bruises on your tits.
The coast is clear - also, would it bother you if I chose not to wear pants?
I've realized that my life is a cycle of high that is only broken by sobering up at work, which only happens because I can't smoke more
Randomize
