A cab driver remembered me by name, address, and ex fuck buddys nick name from a year ago. I mustve been one memorable shit show.
he designed a suit out of pillows to protect himself when he fell.
engineering majors are such efficient drunks.
Remind me to tell you the one about the cashier that wouldn't sell me Jim Beam and NyQuil.
I just let my hand run under cold water for five minutes. I couldn't stop staring at it and the only things I could think about were how amazing it felt, how cool water was, and what a wonderful world it is that we live in. Reasons why I don't smoke...
I had to physically pry the rocks out of your hands so you wouldn't throw them at the guy with the cowboy hat. You probably would've missed anyways.
I'm not even mad. I was just trying to get a boner, you're the one that had to see that
He sent me a picture of him trying to push his cock into a Gatorade bottle. I dont know if I'm impressed it didn't fit and disgusted that he sent me something so vile.
Let's hurry up so I can puke at home instead of my van
All that stuff they told us in middle school about drugs being easy to find was a bullshit lie.
I just remembered that the guy I slept with last night has "USDA PRIME" tattooed on his ass
he was like tryna hang and chat and I was like dude there's an iguana in this room
I'm mainly pissed because I shaved fucking EVERYTHING for this. WITH SHAVING CREAM. Men do not appreciate how rarely that happens.
I'm tired of you and your emotional constipation. WHY DO YOU CLOSE YOUR EYES WHEN WE MAKE LOVE!?
Drunk on wine at my parents house watching "RugRats In Paris". Comeatmeadulthood.
Sometimes you have good days, sometimes m you delete 360 screenshots off your camera roll.
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