DAMN! I hate it when i drunkenly erase all my "sent message" and wake up in the morning and my inbox is full of "WTF?" and "Huh?" messages.
I took off my clothes and she wanted to have sex. But then she changed her mind. So we ended up fucking through her panties or something. I don't know it was weird.
i woke up on my kitchen floor, halfway through a text, and my mascara running... this is why i stopped drinking tequila
i love being in ibiza. their hotels are much more receptive to walking around naked in the lobby than our american ones.
The guy in 209 is masturbating with the door cracked again
Highlight of my weekend: having my card suspended due to "suspicious charges" and standing in line at the gas station yelling at customer service on the phone that I really did go to 4 different strip clubs in one night
Fuck you. You would only tell me how to get to your house in Spanish.
Of course he did. He is like the oprah winfrey for vaginas. Always giving that shit away.
Yes, you can 69 in a fiat. But I think I have permanent nerve damage
How am I supposed to stop smoking pot when girl scout cookies are being sold.
Just pretend you're riding a unicorn through space. Thats how I deal with the stirrup situation at the gyno office.
I'm unsure as to how you were able to snapchat me with your hands duck taped to beer, but I appreciated it nonetheless.
I'm sensing a Yuletide blow job in your future and by future I mean tomorrow
I have poison ivy on my dick
WHAT
You’re not his type
I’ve got blonde hair and great tits. I’m every man’s type
Randomize
