You just left with that feminine looking guy you kept calling "Jessica." Just giving the heads up.
He won't talk to me. He'll only communicate using scissors
Eating my shrimp pasta on the porch with a 40, wearing a Hawaiian shirt, proclaiming "I GOT SCRIMPS." I just jumped the shark of college.
Considering adding a large amount of vodka to my tomato cup-a-soup at work. Save me.
All together there was 318 cigarette butts in the pool... And my microwave.
At the start of the night I was all 'come at me universe' and three hours later I was ordering an extra large pizza in bed in the dress I had gone out in. Well played universe.
Naked snow angels was a very bad idea. My vag is now frozen shut.
Actually going to jail after your wedding is NOT part of the plan.
You slept on a pillow of digiorno
I never realized how weird our shower smells until I cracked a shower beer and had a familiar aroma to compare it to.
I lost Mario kart three times but I got laid so it wasn't the WORST night I've ever had.
Can't be like "hey can you elaborate on this three year old tweet" can I?
Quick I need a sexy way to say "suck your balls"
He sent me a meme at 3am. Usually guys just send me booty calls that late. I think I'm in love
Even after hearing me fuck his friend twice in one night, he still follows me around like a puppy.
Randomize
