Things found in my vomit last night: cell phone, Von Hayes rookie card, a boot, my dignity
either i blacked out mid-sex but remember the beginning and end, or he really only lasted a couple of minutes
I want to be done crawling through windows but the sex is too good to stop...but I'm running out of excuses for where the bruises on my legs are coming from.
Is it penis luge time yet?
how many thumbs am i supposed to have at one time
you found the shrooms didnt you
Just found a note from Saturday that says "rainy soft hair".... Any ideas?
After he finished he proceeded to check my boobs for breast cancer.
She kicked in my bedroom door in only high-heals with a bottle of wine, announcing it was "cock-o-clock"
My nipple piercings are like the guardrails, that's why they feel so safe.
Hi. This might be awkward, but I met you on saturday at about 330 am. I have to admit I don't remember your name, what we talked about, or various details of how I got home. What I do remember is that I was invested enough in getting your number to ask my cab driver for a pen to write it down since my phone was dead. So do you want to meet, soberer, some time?
Hey bro I think you got the wrong number I'm a dude
PUT YOUR FRESHLY SHAVED MEXICAN POON ON THAT BEARD. NOW.
And that is why we dont do tequila shooters at 1 in the afternoon. Because you go home with a beast like that
Just go to your happy place. Mine is with Jake Gyllenhaal & schnapps
Everything was cool till you started pissing while standing at the bar
I may or may not be drinking in a church parking lot.
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