I think your mom looks like a breed of donkey and elephant, but her boobs are perfect
I don't know where I am, but I'm drinkin & I like these people
Do you ever just KNOW it's gonna be a good day? I mean, like in a "just found a Vicodin in the bottom of your purse" kinda way?
pretty sure I offered to blow her dad. she's not speaking to me & he won't stop winking at me.
Do you remember puking up your retainer into the toilet and putting it right back in your mouth?
Just saw my bank statement. It literally goes liquor store pizza place liquor store pizza place bar bar bar liquor store pizza place 711 for snacks withdrawl for drugs rinse and repeat
come to Starbucks. I'm the fat girl eating a whole pizza sitting on the ground
Don't ask me how or why, but I'm drunk with German diplomats. Come over. Now
My cab driver just suggested I brush my teeth because he can smell "the party" on me.
Your niece just basically announced she's a whore on FB so you should feel pretty good about officiating that wedding next month.
the dj asked me quote "are you sure you're sober enough to do this?" And I grabbed the mic from him and said "ill fucking show you sober- HIT IT". I also dropped the mic at the end so he had to come around and pick it up
Shania Twain would have been proud
for the record im never blowing a guy on the toilet again, that was sad and degrading
Money making scheme, blow job proof mascara. Waterproof is bullshit
She did what?
Who. The correct term is she did who.
Did you see him? The correct term is definitely what.
Getting a smaller wine glass hasn’t changed the amount I drink—it just means I get more steps each day. Cheers to health!
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