can you have the cops turn on the gps locator on my phone...i just woke up in a Hooters uniform and I have no idea where I am...
Things I find upon waking: a gay man, a straight girl both clad in web bathing suits, a full bathtub, an empyt bottle of jamesons at the bottom and a scuba mask
so many types of cookies right now. i'm eating four kinds of cookies that i've made into larger cookie sandwiches. too high. whoa.
where's my purse there's an important taco in it
He sent me a pic of his Junk. He said it was a Brett Farve valentine.
My date keeps hitting on your friend. Had no expectations, but not a real confidence booster.
Yeah, well I just made $600 while taking a shut cause two diff clients called while I was in here. Tell me being a lawyer doesn't kick ass.
Forgot to tell you--the bartender at Crowbar set his arm on fire last night. He was doing this "Cocktail" bartender trick of pouring alcohol that was on fire between glasses. Then some leaked out, onto his arm, and set his arm on fire, then his shirt. Exciting! (And he's ok).
He fell backwards into a full bathtub but didn't spill a single drop of the beer in his hand. What a pro.
painting my nails while super high-drunk. Ended up painting my entire hands. Both.
she dared me to make out with the amish dude so I went up to him and grabbed him by the beard
GRABBED HIM BY THE BEARD
If someone plays phil collins i'm gonna take off my clothes
Apparently I was telling them, "I AM A STRONG INDEPENDENT WOMAN AND I DON'T NEED YOU TO HOLD MY HAIR," and I pulled my hair back and puked.
I hope that will b the last time i take off my pants in the chemistry building.
It’s a prereq for med school, so I hope the professor likes blow jobs
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