If the first sentence isn't something about weed or the nature of choclate I'm skipping class.
I queefed so loud it echoed.
IS FOOTBALL GONNA SUCK HIS DICK? NO, IT IS NOT
ok. can u leave the new roommate a list of instructions for me? like what i need to be fed and when i need to be exercised?
Corn dogs constantly. And all.the time
You know it's nice having a girlfriend who will lotion your balls for you
I swear to god little potato creatures live inside Belvedere bottles and claw at your throat as you swallow shots.
There was just a girl standing next to me on the train, wasted, wearing only one shoe. I so wanted to pat her on the shoulder and say "oh honey, we've all been there"
If you are breathing, I want you at your house. No non-breathing-related excuses.
I had a dream that I had to take a breathalyzer but then it turned out to be a bong....why can't that be real life?
Aaaand the winner of the worst decision of Sunday night goes to me as I pull up to his house in my lingerie.
I was so drunk last night I asked a rando at the bar to take a picture with me cause I thought he was in the band
At one point she whispered in my ear "I overdrew my bank account today" but besides that it was an awesome lap dance
It's pretty self explanatory. You tried to have sex on the hood of a car in front of everyone
While he was at a job interview yesterday, I was dropping acid. So that's the aesthetic of our relationship rn.
The highlight of my night will be digging in other people's garbage
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