Most awkward thing ever just happened. I was reaching in my purse to get something and a condom fell out into the woman's lap next to me. At least she knows I'm safe.
She's just bitter because she lost all the weight only to discover she doesn't have a pretty face after all.
Everything about him screamed your future.
I wasn't hungover this morning. My head just hurt because someone tried to suction cup a dildo to my forehead.
I stole so many things from the ER last night.
Gosh, I don't even have that. Let alone someone to tie me up and whip me with Twizzlers.
But see that's the thing. I know i'm better looking than you, I just want you to be continually in a state of shock and awe that you could ever get a girlfriend this hot. You know?
Every single person in NY is either baking, drinking, or photographing their cat. Reporting live from Instagram.
How exactly does one go about seducing an older, possibly blind gentleman?
Inebriation Olympics: Team Drunk vs Team Stoned. This weekend. It's on.
He'll only communicate through snapchat with pictures of him holding his cat or his dick. Bit of Russian roulette opening them in public but I did it anyway.
I just smoked a bowl alone and took my Zyrtec here's to a full night.
His phone started ringing when we were pulled over and he said 'hold on, this is most likely more important than you', proceeded to answer it and agree to work sunday, then hung up, looked at the cop and told him to continue.
Like every two minutes he would pull out and whipser "don't you do it, you bastard" while looking at his penis. His new name in my phone is 'penis whisperer'
I think my moral compass just broke
Randomize
