do you think they make "congratulations unfit mother" greeting cards?
or abortion recommendation cards.
Does your gf have any friends she can hook me up with?
Better looking than her though please.
I'm making celebratory pizza rolls. They're a lot like regular pizza rolls, but without the taste of shame.
you tried to fill your inhaler with vodka
I met this girl the other day and found out her boyfriend is a helicopter pilot. How the fuck do you compete with that.
I'm offering you baseball tickets and my vagina, isn't that enough?
I convinced a shit ton of people I was a russian foreign exchange student to get free drinks. I knew learning those accents would come in handy.
I am debating about my sub. I am not quite sure I can be the dom he needs.
I just took the soggiest of beer shits and all i have to eat is shredded cheese and more beer. I need an adult.
I'm just gonna yell "SURPRISE ME" and see what happens. No way this could go wrong
At first I was a little embarrassed for sharting, but then i realized it was a bachelor party, and I went balls to the wall
She sent me a pic wearing only my batman cape. She stole my cape dude!
Getting robbed by hookers is def a right of passage in a mans life
Thanks for the hospitality last night.
You mean sex?
Yes....hospitality.
Bro, I was just laying in bed with this girl and her boyfriend came an woke me up
Randomize
