So I wake up this morning with a bottle of dish detergent and a dildo. Good call on bringing those girls from community college.
Her boyfriend only talks to me because I know her period schedule
You can buy vodka at target here.. Maybe Missouri isn't so bad after all
$100 bras are my way of telling my boobs that I love and appreciate them, and all the metaphorical doors they have opened for me.
I woke up in solitary confinement, wheb they moved me the guy that sold me the pill of Molly at the concert was in the police waiting room, we nodded to each other.
Driving to get a preg test with my ex, wearing my unicorn hat
You are so not ready for motherhood
I have reached the point in my life where I realized this is what I'm going to do for the rest of my life. Eat, shit , bar, drink, drank, drunk.
You gave me your shirt to use as a napkin every time I spilled beer on myself. Before we went to the bar.
I taped a pair of scissors and a coupon for a waxing on the door. He gets to choose.
Well, I made it thru a doorway, so I think things are going good.
I have an erection and I'm about to go through airport security.
I did not know male screamers existed until now. Good for him. Good for my ego.
I literally just want someone to fuck me and buy me cheeseburgers. I don't even want a relationship at this point. Just a chew toy and some food.
If hypothetically I needed to puke on the bus... how would I go about doing this.
Holy. shit. Chris has no pants on. In public. Fuck. Need you.
Randomize
