Dude, I woke up in the kitchen, naked, with a blueberry bagel as a pillow.
Can I eat your pillow?
And i quote: "where's y'alls from comin' in with them accents?" - from a mississipi mcdonalds
a hangover this bad deserves a feeding tube
i told her that i loved her pillow breasts and then she asked me if i wanted to motor boat them. so yea, i do need the room tonite.
Just ate cheeseit crumbs off the floor. i feel like Kirstie Alley.
I just jerked off and used a stopwatch to track my results. Pretty depressing on multiple fronts.
the choice between paying your electricity bill and getting herpes medicine is a tough one.
I heard that if you win you get to have sex with me. You guys really need to stop wagering my vagina.
My warmest regards to the fish in that koi pond I puked in.
I found a lucrative side business - giving rides home to drunk oil executives. Very profitable.
I think the 8 yr old is hitting on me and they just prayed for the salvation of third world countries
After the party last night, I dreamt I continued drinking... Apparently my subconscious didn't think I'd had enough...
you wouldn't let anybody come in after ten. everybody was standing outside and you just yelled "BEING PUNCTUAL IS IMPORTANT" and slammed the door. i dont think you should be allowed to have parties anymore
it concerns me that i was already that drunk at 10
On the way to have sex with my ex's roommate... I have hit a new low
You were like a drunk and unconscious tickle me elmo.
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