Remeber, hes got nothing better to offer you than drunk words and hairy balls.
are you going to last longer than 15 seconds
nope
I know I'm really high but I swear I just saw him beating off to his fantasy football roster.
You hooked up with a kindergarten teacher?
Yea. It's kind of weird knowing that there are kindergarten teachers out there with their nipples pierced.
Just woke up in a hotel next to a 38 year old mom who's married... I think Spring Break has started
He doesn't know I'm infertile yet, that's when the sex gets good
We gotta make a movie eventually. All good, long-lasting relationships include a homemade porno
on the way to the hospital you kept asking if we could stop at the bar first. then you proceeded to puke out the window
Yeah we can't find him. He left a note saying he left and isn't that drunk with what appears to be an attempt at the quadratic formula for proof. He also wrote down his number and left his phone by the note
so i ran into nick. i may be more gay than anticipated
Found my ex-boyfriend's money stash. Call the girls, we are getting fucked up tonight, my treat.
Ugh it's 2016, why can't our bodies just shed fat on their own
Did I tell you that I told him I deleted his dick pics and he almost started crying?
Once again, marijuana saves me from going to jail
The usual, icing my vag with a chimichanga.
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