____ banged a stripper...well technically she's now a hooker...
If I had a sex resume I'd get tons of jobs.
I have a very awkward question for you. Could you possibly take my black dildo. My mom wants to clean my room.
its raining. im dressed as yoda and im trick or treating alone. and i wonder why im still a virgin..
i can't tell if you're serious or not, but 420 is gonna be pirate themed
i wrote her a fucking poem. i better get laid for that
Have you been tested recently?
Well I got my shots when I was a baby so I think I'm immune
Its that time of week again, Bad life decision wednesday
They had to restock the bar 3 times before midnight. There is a bridesmaid dress hanging in a tree outside.
You have like just as much sex as me and I have a brand new bf. That does not add up. That is not right.
I think my staff loses a little bit of respect for me every time you're in town. I may have to puke at work ...again.
The two girls sitting next to me are asking siri "Like, uh, how do you know my name?". Do I fuck with them or fuck them?
I still blew him because I won't let allergies keep me from doing what I want. But I almost suffocated like 10 times.
I offered to go down on her because of how impressive her theatre career was. Stop letting me talk to lesbians.
I don't know how to explain to you that you tried to recreate the bit from the Dana Carvey show where a guy dressed as Bill Clinton breastfeeds a bunch of puppies
Randomize
