So I fucked that hot french guy last night
You do know he's the one who threw up on our table, right? You get to clean it up.
Don't judge me. He's really sexy for a 17 year old. We made nasty in the womens bathroom at the beach. Don't worry. I wore sandals in there.
None of that is ok.
I wish we could skip the pretense of being normal and just start drinking wine with breakfast
I think you just have to raise your bang age from 40 to 50, hope dust doesn't fly out and make her say tony danza
You know we have no secrets, right? I mean, you saw me shitting in a gift bag drunk and naked on Christmas eve.
So apparently I initiate sex in my sleep
Ps he swallowed my earring last night so yeah
If I die write a nice eulogy and bury me with my star wars bobbleheads
I give out orgasms like candy and ride a motorcycle...how is that not appealing
Can you hurry up? Jamie just challenged my ex boyfriend to a duel and someone honest to God handed her a sword?
She didn't have her own?
I wanna stuff your vagina full of Reese's peanut butter hearts and eat you clean
As you were leaving you yelled at the owners that the stairs weren't suitable for "intoxacapated" people and promptly fell down them.
So I WAS right.
Plan before tomorrows interview: wash off green glitter from EVERYWHERE!!!
Did I tell you I drunk fucked my one roommate last week
Uh no
You know that panicky moment when you go home with a guy and realize you’ve been there before?!? HAPPENING RIGHT NOW!!!
Turns out I banged his son a few months ago but the kids back at college so I don’t have to worry about him walking in while Dad has me bent over the couch
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