he actually proposed, and i threw up on him...i guess 5 glasses of wine was a bad idea.
Heyyyy darlin are you busy?
Why hello drunk Jake. It's sober Sarah, I'll tell drunk Sarah you booty called. She'll probably be around tomorrow night.
I can't wait to find out the true size of his penis! Please maintain enough sobriety for an accurate report.
I just realized that two weekends in a row we ended up in a bathroom with two different boys asking us for a threesome. does this happen to everyone?
Just had the moment before I realised I'd packed you off in an ambulance last night after funnel-feeding you Monster and vodka. Your mom thinks I'm a dick doesn't she?
you're avoiding the subject, i want to know how you ended up at the strip club with the dog, fucker
Fuck Sunday funday. Fuck real pants. Fuck the sun. Fuck Jameson. Fuck my life. Yes, I am hungover as shit sitting in my office eating bacon.
And as cleavage season comes to a close, so blooms a new season of yoga pants. And the people rejoiced.
Celebrated the veterans I suppose, my mouth tastes of gin and black outs
So while you were living in this woman's apartment, you acquired a room mate, fucked her daughter, and killed her bunny. Worst sitter ever
I'll be there with bells on. And by "bells" I mean "jäger bombs". And by "on" I mean "being poured down my gullet".
Being drunk with magicians is fucking mind blowing. This Asian guy just made a platypus appear and disappear. This is not a drill.
Well, I got fired yesterday. At least I already paid for my Adele tickets.
For a second I thought he was going to give me an intervention
You can't give interventions in a bar!
Get your dick back in here. On Saturdays, you're not allowed to leave my bed unless it's to make me bacon or coffee.
Randomize
