just took a shot of grandma at the fucking bowling alley... this is going to be interesting
Sorry, its so late. Remember your fat friend with huge boobs. i need her number..its an emergency
I got us kicked out of the bar because the waitress found me in the kitchen trying to make spaghetti
I love seeing you outside of a bar. It's like seeing a dog walk on its hind legs
A slipped finger up the butt isn't the end of the world
walking around pouring bird seed on passed out guys in the quad.
Where are you, who is in my bed, why is he wearing a spandex onesie as underwear, how did i get teethmarks on my forehead, what are we doing tonight?
I told you all we needed steroids to survive the tour de franzia, like the bikers. But nobody listened...
I can't wait til I'm a real grown up and am no longer expected to take 7 shots of raspberry ruby as a pregame to a night of drinking natty lite
I just sent a bad sext to my sister. There's not even a way to damage control this, is there?
How do I convince my friend not to get tattoo tributes to her cats?
WHO DOES THAT
I told her it'd send up tons of red flags and she responded by telling me they're her babies. And she's sober.
He's talking about feelings now. I don't even know if he came???
why is there a shopping cart in my back seat? and a dick drawn on the side of my car?
That awkward moment when you hear your boss yelling during sex while you're on her couch eating Easy Mac.
Dude why is my bed and bedding wrapped in bubble wrap?
Cuz u wanted to insure u had a safe sleep
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