you should probably quit with the whole "no homo" thing, especially when you are drunk, "mo homo"gives the wrong impression.
I just woke up to people screaming "funnel" in my kitchen....
Happy St. Patrick's Day.
First drunken handjob: not successful. Second handjob, mostly sober: much better. Nightly news brought to you by me.
Found a Safeway Deli Sandwich in the shower this morning... Perhaps the 9th beer was unnecessary.
She just told me her legs are numb and that she dedicated her karaoke of ice ice baby to her 4 month old son.
I don't text first unless I'm hammered...so ya I text first a lot
If youre wondering about the smell, i set your hamster on fire. But don't worry he's ok
Well he can play the xylophone with his erect cock... So he's got that going for him
Turning 21 will be slightly bittersweet. Never again will I be able to get underage drunk at Disney World, now I'll only be able to get legal drunk and that just sets a whole different and sad tone for my life.
I'm at a restaurant. I am NOT about to discuss my asshole over the phone.
Last thing I remember was a hand in the pants. Then I woke up next to a full beer and a McDouble, which I promptly had for breakfast.
unless you have a dick and you were thinking of chopping that off
Well, I wish you luck on finding out who your boyfriend is
Got wasted in a little tiki hut by the beach yesterday. Woke up with a coconut and half of a mushroom burger in my purse. I also have a picture of our Romanian bartender's fingernails on my phone lol
Why do you always wake up with meat in your purse?
there is glitter all over my balls
Randomize
