On a scale of one to Chris Brown, how angry are you?
Only you could manage to look like a complete slut while wearing a turtle neck.
Vodka and Eggs at 9:30AM = thank you, America.
note to self, drunkenly bedazzeling the silverware was a stupid fucking idea
I should probably just look up vagina pictures in the anatomy textbook. That always cheers me up.
It's hard to take you serious when you're crying your eyes out wearing an adult sized onesie.
You were telling me last night 101 proof was nothing and you needed 400 proof or better yet military or marine proof, because you're marine grade.... You rascal.
I'm puking in a turkey pan....
Fastest way to get judgmental looks on a Sunday morning: wear sunglasses inside carrying a case of beer and thin mints at the grocery store. May or may not have ran into the glass door.
Gotta love Minnesota
Just woke up. Naked. Under an animal pelt. With a girl. I've never met her. She's pretty naked too.
Have you ever just like not slept in so long that everything looks like a lava lamp?
His dick was so bent it was like fucking captain hook's hand for 2 hours
I don't know if your celebrity crush has ever asked you for nudes, but it's fucking awesome
After sex he just told me I'm definitely pregnant and it's a girl. Should I run?
She just left someone a voicemail saying 'you better not have plans Saturday night, cause I'm going to sit on your face.'
They left around 10:00 this morning. I've been naked since 10:01.
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