His internet searches, listed chronologically: sex slave, volunteer sex slave, lava
Um don't talk to me about fat. I just used my chip bag to cover up all my candy wrappers in the garbage.
She said "Lay the fuck down and ill show you how its done. Ill get us both off." I did. And she did. Best words ever said before sex.
I can do anything tonight that doesnt involve an erection.
Just hit on a fat chick so shed buy me a drink. Then i walked away. Nice to see how the other half lives.
I woke up on the stairs at of a Disneyland hotel. Yes, my night was amazing.
Hey, you guys have all had chicken pox, right?
like a dude with a badge in a golf cart is gunna do shit. Unless he has a tazer. Then it's fair game.
How does one chug a beer and swing the bottle at someone in a single motion? This guys a beer ninja man
I've just informed her that you've voted her Chief-Adult-In-Charge-Of-Shit and that she will take the oath of office on Fri Dec 14th at 8 pm with her hand on a bottle of Jager.
I don't care how sexy you think I look in my scrubs. Wanting a blow job is not a medical emergency.
so...the lady doing my pedi totally noticed the human bite marks on my calf. Who says marriage ends your sex life? Love u!
Just walked past the field playing Jesus music with a fanny pack full of condoms and beer. Happy Sunday.
Remember that guy I fucked last month? Well I'm watching his dog this weekend while he's in the Bahamas with his girlfriend. What is my life
I fucked your neighbor. Welcome to the new apartment!
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