It was tug of war between me and the cop. He wanted the beer, I wanted the coozie.
you started introducing us as kentucky and gentlemen
she showed up with nothing but olive garden breadsticks in her purse.
Just saw the guy with the plastic bag on his head riding his bike again...
Dude, you sent that text at 9:44 AM. Who thinks of drugs that early?
All I could think about when I saw her was that she could be the mother of my future first round draft picks
This is my first time seeing you since your lesbian experience. SO EXCITED!
Oh my god. You have got to get off that breast feeding support group. They're on to you, dude.
Hamster emergency. Can u come in here
Yesterday you said I was the best.
No. I said you DID your best. There's a huge difference.
And then she said "welcome homeeeee!!!" As she got off. Best thing about being back from Afghanistan
Please send pictures of any nice new years ladies you run across in town, as I've forgotten what women look like.
Seriously, why do I have a mortar round?
My adderall dealer raised his prices due to "impending inflation" ... never buying from a college grad again
he was wearing pj pants, thank you for not letting me go home with him
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