I just saw a man with a full beard and frosted tips
there is no god
saw my dad's penis on the x-ray last night. at least his hip wasn't broken
Last night he was fingering me with one hand to his ear, calling himself 'dj clittles'
Thats what happens when go home with guys that wear shutter shades to the bar..
Regardless, you never quit out of your interenet. You left your porn on the living room comp. Then you passed out four feet from the chair with your hand still down your pants. We decided that we should go back to her place instead. Worlds best wingman.
my mom found all the used condoms in my bed side table
whatd she say to you?
no words- put them all in a circle, put the bible in the middle
I have your dog in a headlock. Se wants my mushrooms.
She seriously pointed at the couch and asked me if she could "ride the talking giraffe". I'll never serve everclear again.
We're going to shave my junk and take pictures of it wearing fake mustaches we found at the dollar store. They're uncannily realistic; much better than the cockstaches of my youth.
You are COMPLAINING that the sex was too good. You're not getting any sympathy from me
Is it weird that i want a guy to ask me to homecoming by spelling it out in meatballs?
THATS VERY WEIRD
LEAVE ME AND MY NIPPLES ALONE
I feel like too many of my sentences start of with "Hey, fuckface!"
Nothing says hey I wanna be your friend again like ambushing me with a dick pic
he walked off and puked in the sand. then he made a sand castle over it so that "it wouldn't upset the kids"
We should write a country song: “Blacked Out on a Sunday”
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