I just woke up and realized I puked in my boxers WTF.
You stay classy.
The worst part was I forgot until I tried to put them on.
i don't mind that he's uncut. i like it! it's like a little sweater!
a cock doensn't need a sweater! especially a skin sweater! wtf.
That's like some buffalo bill hannibal lector shit.
I hate cats. They're so curious, it's not their damn business.
chipotle is closed for thanksgiving... I am officially thankful for NOTHING.
i think im the only person who makes thank you cards for their drug dealer
Whatever you do to me, stop, I found yet another blonde hair in my asshole.
Weed smoke burps in the boss's face. Job security.
I'm not drinking anymore...and by that, I mean until St. Patrick's Day.
My masturbation fantasy just had a wedding theme. I need new hobbies.
Would it be a good deed to leave a 32 pack of bud light next to a bum sleeping in the park?
I love this text stream: discussing the development of a business model centered around cooking acid to bankroll a yacht trip in Croatia
Yeah. I found my shirt from last night while walking back to the bar to get my purse/phone this morning. I'm never going to even ask what actually happened. Be glad you moved 7 states away.
It was dumb but not something to force me into sobriety
Fell asleep on kitchen floor again, chicken nuggets everywhere.
I can hear the pillow talk now, "how many condoms did you bring? Good, put them all on,"
Randomize
