Flowers- 20. Dinner-50. Drinks- 25. Hotel- 150. The look on his face when I tell him I'm on my period? Priceless.
I just watched a girl at work pick her nose with 4 of her 5 fingers. So I now know what sausage biscuits taste like in vomit form.
Four minutes until I can fart!
woke up to an unread text message i sent to myself: "brreakfdast..pork and ice cream."
a search helicopter?!
put me on a leash or i'm going to fuck someone
The melted ice in my drinks tonight is probably the most water I've had in like 3 days accumulated.
His ass WILL be my cock's next vacation home.
I wish I had a dick so I could say shit like that.
Reading an example in the GRE study book referencing Teenage Mutant Ninja Turtles while wearing TMNT pajamas. *airfist*
omg please tell me you're eating pizza right now too.
i spent 45 minutes yellng Heather I feel so bad i wanna die and then 45 more yelling I DONT WANNT TO DIE. thats how drunk i was
oh and apparently my boobs are named "have no fear" and "plenty o'beer"
I am stoned, not wearing a bra, and a woman. There is no way in fuck I am getting on a fucking bus.
Omg cinnamon bun Oreos. Thanks weed
In other news, I tore a tendon in my hand from giving my boyfriend handjobs so that's how my day is going
So anyways, we returned the toilet paper and decided to use the money for taco bell and slurpees instead...
Randomize
