Gonna be late. Someone jumped in front of our train.
and she was grinding on the wall, purring at guys she liked at the pregame...
how do you say happy birthday to the guy that almost got you pregnant? i cant just write the same thing as last year.
I went to a bar in my pajamas last night. I'll be there again tonight in a wolf costume.
My roommate didn't flush after her miscarriage. Time to drink myself blind. I need you for moral support. Or so I don't have to drunkenly cry alone anymore. Whatever, help.
They just showed up to the party with a shopping cart full stolen of naty ice cans, no boxes, just cans. Shit just got real !
It's a goat... but where the fuck did it come from?
Have you ever realized how cool bread is? Like so many things taste good on it. Like its crazy to think that peanut butter and turkey can both taste good on the same thing.
Btw had an awesome time last night. Found some blood on my shirt and ear but I'll chalk it up to the tequila shots.
SINCE WHEN WAS USING A FROZEN WATER BOTTLE ATTACHED TO A ROPE AS A THROWING WEAPON A GOOD IDEA??
I found her outside drinking steak sauce out of the bottle.
You used his ass cheeks to demonstrate how to play the bongos and he still called you the next day. That's true love.
Why is there never any toilet paper at his apartment? What does he wipe his ass with? WHAT DOES HE WIPE IT WITH?!?
Umm my dog ate your vibrator. Sorry 😬
It's official. My little brother has had more sex in my car than I have. I'm still tied with my little sister. I hate everybody.
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