3:12 am: but i thought i was coming over tonight, don't fall asleep i wore new underwear
i think i recognize dicks better than faces
I'm watching the red sox through my neighbors window from my bathroom. We're winning btw.
Going to bed. I have to wake up early and teach small children. And then have affairs with their fathers. I'm going to get deported.
Just had flashback to me showering u with stir fry as u rythed on the floor
Right but I don't wanna waste the whole weekend not having sex when we could be having sex
Come through the front door when you get here.
Right now I'm so wasted I can't determine whats a door and a window.
You're the horniest male I have ever encountered
Makes it sound like you're a scientist documenting your discoveries. I warned you.
Wrong. I really wanted to see the movie. And she was on top of me like she was riding a mechanical bull. Who am I to complain? I live to serve.
I'm permanently fucked. Every liquid I put into my mouth automatically tastes like fireball.
Apparently "Do you want me to ruin your day now or later?" is not a good way to tell someone you're pregnant and it's theirs.
Can you come get me? I woke up in the woods behind the Super 8. I have pizza.
Yeah, oh and the story gets better. His friend was dressed as a christmas tree wrapped in twinkle lights and had to plug himself in the wall all night.
We lost. I'mma go home and drink more and do a face mask and wonder why it is that god put me on this Earth to suffer
What conversation warrents "penis" in rainbow comic sans
Randomize
