OMG. Drunk.
I'm so glad you fill me in on these things.
Sorry. Must've been trying to twitter.
I bet they all look and smell like Amy Winehouse
is there any particular reason you took a shit in a zip lock bag and left it in my refrigerator?
This concert is like a reunion of all my bad sex.
grilled cheese. we just shotgunned grilled cheese.
my credit card is covered in vodka and bad memories
More likely there's a very shell-shocked cat wandering around somewhere, covered in potato peelings
she just punched a dude and called him a peasant for not drinking fast enough in flip cup.
If I wake up with an unknown penis in me one more time I am literally going to press charges to the makers of tequila.
you threw up into the pocket of your shirt. which was pretty damn polite
No, we will not be going out tonight. We are trying to grow the toy donkey in whiskey rather than water. Serious fucking science. Have fun at the boring bar while we Bill Nye it up in this bitch.
His reasoning for leaving the keys in the ignition of my car overnight with the top down in an open parking lot ? Too eager to have sex. The sex was not that good for him to do this twice....
Yeah we invited her back for chicken nugget sandwiches
Thanks for fingering me to orgasm during Wu-Tang Clan
As we were walking to her place she stole a pizza from the delivery guy's car and when we got home she grabbed a slice, two beers, removed her pants, and said "call of duty?" im going to marry her
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