I want the hot one, scratch that. anyone.
I'm always impressed by your drunken ability to quickly gauge how long it's been since you've shaved and whether or not your prospective hook up will care.
Mom is telling us about the time she drank her own breast milk. Help.
I'm quitting my job and I'm just going to become a professional drunk girls mistake.
when you tell me you got me a birthday present, I have to assume it will show up in a drug test.
I paid some man $10 for his shirt last night cause I liked it. Explains that. Bought the jackolope head from a street vendor. Got invited to someone's hotel rooftop swimming pool which explains why I was in my bathing suit. My clothes from last night are MIA. Going over the border with no pants on is awkward. Origins of the car rim still mysterious.
come help me. im curled up in the fetal position on the upper floor of the lib. please bring more caffeine or alcohol
its ok. its hell week the lib is a no judgment zone right now
Just had to buy plan b w/ my robotic baby from family living.. Awkward.
I slept with someone shorter than me. My vagina weeps.
You fool.
She told me she's dating him because his apartment is a block from Taco Bell. I don't know how she's not fat.
Would I chase a raccoon with a flaming stick sober?
Welcome to the single world where it seems vibrator batteries are in short supply and making a sandwich while naked at 2am is relatively normal
I mean seriously there comes a time when you just need to take a crap in peace. Until he figures that out he can stay the hell outta my place.
Boredom is so much more tolerable when you're stoned off your ass.
I’ve jerked off three times and taken five shits already today. Being hung over in your 40’s is a fucking roller coaster.
Randomize
