Her mom drove me home after I blew a .13 So there I am wishing her mom a happy mother's day sitting in the passenger seat where I just banged her daughter 15 min prior
Chipotle chips and wine for breakfast. Its def game day
I woke up alone at my apt. On the floor with the door wide open, but still. Success.
There's strippers and bear every where so ether you gave me the wrong address or this is the coolest birthday party thrown for a seven year old ever.
Remember that night I drank a bunch of vodka, pounded your Jameson because 'you were a pussy', punched you in the face and ran off as fast as my high heels could go? It was just my Russian and Irish sides fighting for genetic dominance
This bitch rocks a fuckin fanny pack and still manages to lose her phone at every thirsty thursday
The bouncer was just about to kick Sarah out for getting with this guy 'too physically'. I told him that was 'her style' and he let them stay. Banter.
it's pretty awkward texting you how much I want to suck your cock when I have my mom on speakerphone.
On my way
We stopped mid-sex and both shotgunned a beer then got back to it. Is this what love feels like?
quick, give me some iron man trivia, i'm going to make this girl regret quoting tony stark in her tinder bio
i am rolling on molly so fucking hard i want to do 300 cartwheels
I answered the booty call in my Trophy Wife cutoff and my ex-boyfriends sweatpants with a bottle of jager.
and how was that received?
For now I'm a single mom monday-thursday and a drunk looking for dick the rest of the week
i feel like doing his laundry was not included in the job description when we became fuck buddies.
I love you. Doing a double. Going to die. It will be painful. Let the world know i partied. God, did i party.
Randomize
