I'm going to get drunk on champagne by myself.
Oh no wait my cat's here. Thank god for a second there I sounded really sad.
Somewhere in this world my second husband is in 9th grade.
Now I know how you felt every time you had to listen to me have sex with a girl... mildly disguested yet marginally proud.
My mom called me and we started arguing as usual. I finally screamed at her "I HEAR YOU AND THAT 30 YEAR OLD FUCKING!" and hung up. She hasn't called back yet. I win.
I woke up to blood crusted on my face. I don't understand
team rage. no explanation necessary
no, i remember trying to staple my nipples together. I just can't figure out where the hell stapler came from.
Touche. Dude, I fastened garters. Drunk. I deserve a medal from a drag queen.
I just did a drunk experiment to find out what it looks like when you turn a burner on the stove on while wearing night-vision goggles. I may be blind in my right eye now.
Of course not. I'd be offended if you didn't bring my boobs into casual conversation.
She sleeps with her hand around my balls. First I thought it was just a comfort thing. Now I think it's to make sure I can't slip away in the middle of the night.
What!? It's 7:30am on gameday. This keg is not going to drink itself.
When you get shitfaced you find strippers when I get shitfaced I speak to woodland creatures, do you see the dilema?
I saw seagulls fucking earlier today. What have you done with your life recently?
The wine is franzia the food is cheese puffs there is a canoe full of beer and the andre glasses are mason jars glued to candle sticks. i shit you not. Best. Wedding. Ever.
He agreed to matching Christmas pajamas today, no guy does that for a girl he’s not seriously considering marrying.
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